Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
I was at a workshop that focused on women’s wellness and self-acceptance about two years ago and the presenter shared that we need to stop “shoulding ourselves”. OMG, I thought! Did she just swear? At first I thought, whaaaat did she just say and I practically fell out of my chair; but, I quickly realized exactly what she said and had to laugh! That was the exact same reaction that my husband had when he asked me tonight what I was writing about. It stopped him dead in his tracks! LOL
We often talk about the pivotal moments in our lives, and attending that workshop would be a pivotal moment for me in so many ways —actually life changing.
As someone who has done a lot of work on personal self-development, I think this topic is really important.
Think about it! How many times do you use the word, “should” in your vocabulary? For me, I did not realize how many times it sneaks into my vocabulary until I started to think more consciously about the language I was using based on hearing the presenter talk about this topic. I began to catch myself saying that infamous word, “should” more than I realized and I was a bit shocked! This is something that I do not want to model for my family and those around me!
The word “should”, defined by Wikepdia, “is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.” WOW!!! There it is….to me, there seems to be a bit of SHAME associated with the word “should”.
That one little word, “should”, can wreak havoc on our own self-esteem and self-acceptance if used in a. Think about how much pressure that one little word can put on us to do certain things or to be a certain way. Is it part of our inner critic? It seems so subtle to me, yet the “power or should” is quite strong.
So ladies, I am here to say that we really need to STOP “shoulding ourselves” and learn to nip this in the butt and eliminate it from our vocab!!!
Past, Present and Future
When we use the word “should” to refer to the past, present and future, think about where it comes from. The word “should” can create a sense of guilt, judgement and a fear of missing out. It can also create a sense of disappointment as well as stress and anxiety because we may not be holding true to our authentic self.
Think about how you would fill in these sentences:
“I should __________________________?
“I should be more like ________________”
“I should be doing ___________________’
“I shouldn’t do ______________________”
“I should not have done ______________”
What emotion do these statements bring up for you? Not sure….run through exercise again and begin to consciously be aware of the feelings these statements may be creating.
In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big (click her to see it on Amazon), she goes into depth about our inner critic. When I think of these sentences, I feel that darn inner critic sneaking in. Think about a time you put yourself out there and maybe it did not go as planned. Does the word “should” sneak into your thoughts? For example, I should not have applied for that job! Or maybe you are focusing on eating healthy and you ate a donut and now you feel bad because you should not have eaten that donut. These can invoke the feelings of shame or disappointment.
Whether it is something we are doing now, or have done in the past or will be doing in the future we need to begin to reframe our thoughts when we use the word should.
Power of Reframe:
What if we could capture the thought of “shoulding yourself” and begin to reframe. Think about it this way. What if instead of saying, “I should exercise more” we said that I need to exercise more because it is important for me to have good health or I chose to exercise more to have good health. I am an older mom with a young daughter and I want to lead a healthy, happy lifestyle with my family. My daughter jokingly will tell me that I am a young person in an older person’s body. Yes, I think she is right!
What if instead of saying, “I should eat better” I said, “I need to eat better so that I can make sure that I am getting proper nutrients.” If I drill down further, healthy eating is important to me and how I fuel my body is key. Instead of coming from a place of obligation or comparison, we need to begin to take control of our choices. Why is it important that we actively do something about the choices that we are making and that they are coming from the right place? How will this allow us to make positive changes that are going to stick around?
Now What?
When you think about the word “should”, where is it really coming from? Are you using it to compare yourself to others and thinking you “should” be doing what everyone else is doing? Is it something that you feel guilty about doing? Does it align with your core values? Or is it coming from our societal norms and expectations?
Doing that deep dive into why you feel you should be doing something will give you the insight needed to begin to reframe your thoughts, align your actions to your values and begin to lead a more intentional life.
How do we begin to make that conscious mind shift? First, create a list of the things that you have been “shoulding yourself” about. Secondly, begin to reframe those into actionable items that you want to do versus feeling obligated to do. Third, put these changes into action and viola —see how your life begins to change!
Don’t get me wrong. It will take time to shift this thinking process as for many of us it is ingrained in our unconscious. Remember, habits take time to change and life is a challenging journey. Only when we begin to do the work and create action, we begin to see a shift moving forward. Baby steps!!
By Heather Thomson
Heather is the Owner/Founder of Bold and Brave Coaching. She helps busy working moms who may be feeling overwhelmed and stressed to create gradual habit changes so that they can avoid burnout, set boundaries and lead a happy, healthy life. Book a FREE 30 Minute Discovery Call.
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